Why Do I Feel Responsible for Everything?

Picture this: you’re 5 years old, you have a box of crayons and someone asks, “Can I have the blue crayon?” You give it over and then your mom says “What a nice girl! You let that kid have a blue crayon. Sharing is caring” Oh, that feels good to hear. 

Then, at 8 years old, you see a kid on the sidewalk who is crying. You go up to them and say “are you okay?” and the kid says “I’m really sad. I can’t find my ball.” You say, “I’ll help you look for it!” When you find it, they say, “Thank you for your help! Want to be friends?” Of course..you’re 8. 

At 13, you’re praised by your teachers for being so helpful. 

16, you pass your driving test and become the person who drives family members around. You remember schedules and don’t need to be reminded to pick your little sister up from her after school program.

Fast forward to 30. You’ve spent your entire life being a person who does so much for everyone around them. You’ve never been a “problem,” people don’t have to worry about you.

You’re exhausted though… You’re a new (or veteran) mom, a newlywed, a recent divorcee, or someone who is in the workforce and doing things for people who care more about productivity and getting their own needs met than to make sure you’re doing okay.

You find yourself thinking “oh god, why did I volunteer to do that?”

There are many reasons people do this and everyone’s background is different. I can’t possibly write one post and have it be the answer to everyone’s situation. 

One possibility is parentification or maybe you’ve heard the word “role reversal.” Parentification is when the child takes on adult responsibilities. It has two parts. One is instrumental, where the child takes care of daily household tasks (cleaning, cooking, taking care of siblings, paying bills/working,)  and the other is emotional, taking care of the emotional needs of the parents or caregiver.

Parentification is when there is an obligation to fill the role. You can teach your kids about emotions, chores, hard work, etc in an age appropriate way, where they aren’t taking on any emotional work.

I do also want to note that parents aren’t all bad. Some are, of course, but I don’t know one parent who had a child and said “yes! I can’t wait to mess them up.” I say this because people get defensive over their parents. Two things can be true at once: Your parents/caregivers could have done the best that they could AND you can still have problems that come from childhood.

This is what happens in a very simple way:

You engage in a behavior→ it gets rewarded → You do it again.

So, you do something and get something out of it. Clients say “but I don’t get anything out of it!” This is where I challenge and ask why you do it then. The behavior served you in some way at one time. Maybe not the you that is reading this, or the you that has laminated a newborn feeding schedule so everyone knows what’s going on at all times, but something in you.

A lot of what you did as a kid for emotional safety turns into an automatic behavior as an adult. Something I often ask clients is “how does this serve you now?” Sometimes, we have done something for so long it’s a habit and we don’t know how to not do it. Sometimes, your brain is telling you that you’re doing something wrong and you physically feel ill if you aren’t doing something that you’ve always done. Sometimes, it’s “easier” to do something yourself. No one is uncomfortable but you.

How you learned to get your needs met and feel safe is a factor as to why you feel responsible for things around you. If this feels like it doesn’t fit, that’s okay. There are other reasons for your behavior. Don’t take this as a sign to call your parents and tell them that they parentified you because they made you take the trash out.

Next thoughts: attachment,family roles, and experiences that shape you.